Elegy
by Girl in a White Dress
Summary: Post-ep for Body Count. HC.


Title: Elegy

Author: Melanie-Anne

Rating: PG

Archive: Yep, just ask.

Summary: "She doesn't feel numb anymore." Kind of post-ep for Body Count. HC.

Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, I'm just playing.

A/N: Thanks to Hgirl for betaing.

For Adrian 83/12/05 – 04/07/04

* * *

There's still a voice message on Calleigh's phone. Short and to the point. _"Hey, it's me. Call back when you can. Bye."_

Janet never liked leaving messages.

Call back when you can. Calleigh never got the chance to do that. She'll never know what Janet wanted to say to her.

It's over now, she thinks. Kerner is back in custody. Case closed.

Except it isn't over, not really. Kerner left a hole in Calleigh's life that she's not sure how to fill. With Janet gone, everything seems less bright, less clear, less . . . everything. Alexx tells her that's the grief talking, and that one day Calleigh will wake up and she won't feel guilty about living anymore.

Alexx always knows exactly what to say.

Calleigh doesn't tell Alexx that she's afraid to sleep, that Janet haunts her dreams and in those dreams, Calleigh is the one who ends up dead on the beach. Somehow though, she thinks Alexx may already know.

* * *

She's battling to focus. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's that she's not eating properly, maybe she's just tired of seeing unhappy endings. She feels Horatio enter the lab and stiffens.

"Hey."

"Hey. I'm almost done with the comparisons. I'll page you as soon as I'm ready."

He rests his hand on her shoulder and it takes all of her self-control not to fall apart. "There's no rush. Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon? I'm sure we can hold down the fort without you."

"I'm fine." She doesn't dare look at him. He'll see right through her.

"Calleigh, I can make it an order."

She turns to look at him, her eyes pleading. Let her stay, she needs to be here, she needs to be doing something.

His arms are warm and strong around her. She leans her head against his chest. This is okay, she thinks. She can handle this.

What she can't handle is the kiss he presses to the top of her head. Worse, she's not sure if it's real or just in her mind. Imagined or not, it shatters what little remains of her fragile self-control. She slips out of the hug.

"You win. I'll go home."

* * *

The morning of the funeral, Calleigh doesn't feel like doing anything. It's almost noon and she's still in her pajamas. She has two hours to pull herself together.

There's a knock at the door. Horatio, dressed in black. He removes his sunglasses and smiles. "Can I come in?"

She nods. If her brain were functioning properly, she'd ask why he was there. She'd attempt to be a more gracious hostess. She'd tell him to sit down and ask what he'd like to drink. Instead, she throws herself into his arms and holds on as if she's drowning. He doesn't ask how she's doing; it's more than obvious that she's not okay. He strokes her back and then his hands are in her hair and his lips are on her forehead.

And then they're kissing and she doesn't know who started it. All that matters is that she's here and he's here and they're both alive (and there's nothing wrong with that so why does she feel so damn guilty?).

When he pulls away, she wants to cry.

"I'm sorry." He cups her cheek and his thumb caresses her lower lip. Then he smiles. "No. I'm not sorry. It's . . . the timing is all wrong."

She nods. (The village idiot, she thinks, sitting and nodding all day.) She knows all about crappy timing. If she'd done her job properly and caught Kerner sooner, Janet would still be here. They'd be going to lunch to celebrate instead of going to her funeral.

"I'm going to shower," Calleigh says. "Make yourself at home."

* * *

It's a big funeral. Calleigh's not that surprised. Janet was well liked.

Though it's a warm day, Calleigh is cold. Sitting next to her, Horatio seems unnaturally hot. She leans into him and something inside her begins to thaw when he puts an arm around her shoulders and takes her hand.

She doesn't hear what is said in the service. When everyone stands to sing, she can't make out the words of the hymn, so she closes her eyes and sees Janet's smiling face. She imagines Janet looking at her and Horatio and winking. Janet always knew how Calleigh felt about her boss.

Afterwards, Janet's parents approach Calleigh. She clutches Horatio's hand tightly.

"Mrs. Medrano, I'm so sorry—" She can't finish the sentence.

Alice Medrano hugs Calleigh. "You got him."

"Yes."

"Good." Alice Medrano pulls back, holding Calleigh's shoulders as she studies her. "Janet spoke so highly of you."

Calleigh blinks back tears.

"You'll come visit won't you?"

Again, Calleigh nods.

* * *

At long blessed last, the day draws to an end. The sun is low in the horizon, the sky dancing in pinks and oranges as the day waves goodbye. Calleigh takes off her shoes and feels the beach sand crunch under her feet. She lets the shoes fall to the ground and walks to the water's edge, stopping when the waves start licking her toes.

She doesn't feel numb anymore.

"It's not your fault, you know." Horatio's voice is in her ear. She leans back, feels his arms slip around her middle.

"She was worried about me, about keeping me safe from him. I should have done the same for her."

"You were busy looking for him. And you found him. You got him, Cal. Her parents know that you did everything you could."

"I should have done more!"

Horatio holds her closer. "When my mother died, I wondered what I could have done to prevent it. If I'd come home earlier, if I hadn't gone to school at all . . . Sometimes there's nothing more that can be done. And the guilt and the pain and regret . . . it never goes away completely but you learn to live with it."

"She had so much to live for . . . It should have been me."

"Don't ever say that!" Horatio's tone is surprisingly fierce. He turns her around so he can speak face to face. "If something ever happened to you, Cal, I . . ."

"What?"

"I'm not ready to lose you."

Calleigh can't speak. She reaches up to wipe the tears from his cheek and realizes she can taste her own tears.

"I know this is not the time for me to be saying any of this . . . but I want you to know that when you're ready, when it doesn't hurt so much anymore, I'm here . . . and if you want, then we can talk about why I don't want to lose you . . ."

It's rare to see Horatio Caine babble, and it's enough to make Calleigh smile. She wraps her arms around his neck and presses a chaste kiss to his lips.

"Okay."

He smiles. "Okay."

"Okay." Calleigh doesn't feel so guilty anymore.

"So. Would you like to get some dinner?"

For the first time in days, Calleigh has an appetite. She smiles, hooks her arm through Horatio's and leads him back to the car. She thinks she might just be alright after all.

She's sure that wherever Janet is, she's smiling too.

FIN


End file.
